Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen

[shadowcaster]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just go away and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if your going to steal your neighbour's fanbelt thats the time to do it.

4. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

6. Never forget that you are unique, like eveyone else.

7. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares whether your dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

9. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.

12. Have you ever lent somebody £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

13. If you tell he truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days we are the pigeon; somedays we are the statue.

15. Don't worry: it only seems kinky the first time.

16. Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a women. Neither one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Experience is something you don't get, until just after you need it.

23. When we are born we are wet, naked and hungry, and we get smacked, from there on in, life gets worse.

24.Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

25.And the most important of all. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.